Tuesday, May 24, 2011


When Brian got really, like, down on himself, like when his Dad, at his 80th birthday party, called him a no good punk, Brian liked to remind himself that he really did have things to be proud about. Like his day with Kyla Timberlake, when he’d been a porn star, sort of.

He’d fucked Kyla Tiberlake -- whose breasts had been almost certainly the largest on the planet. Kyla Timberlake, a top performer in the industry, who’d been in the news recently for an emergency with her implants. (She was going to be all right. Just smaller.)

He’d fucked Kyla Timberlake and been paid 500 real American bucks, 300 of which he spent that night at the bar – because what’s the point of fucking a porn star if you don’t tell people about it?

The way it happened is this. His pal Greg was one of the cameramen for one of those “reality sites”. You know, one of those things where, if you pay just 24.95 a month, you can waste the better part of your life.

One night at the bar, buzzed with Greg, he said, “38 sites! Euro Bride Tryouts! Slut Seeker! Cougar Recruits! All Wives Cheat! Man, there’s got to be a place for me somewhere.”

Greg took him into the restroom for a moment and, sure enough, Brian got a job as one of the Donger Brothers.

Brian was kind of nervous on the big day, but the set-up was basic. All he had to do was shoot the breeze with Kyla Timberlake until she “noticed” the freakishly huge penis hanging out the leg of his shorts. Then he could fuck her.

Except it wasn’t really his penis.

It was a twenty inch latex dildo. “Lifelike.” If they came in that size. His actual penis rested inside, an infinitely frustrated and disgruntled understudy.

Brian thought he had a nice penis. Hefty, even. No reason to be shy in the locker room. Up until the very last moment Brian hoped the director would see the actual equipment and say, “Hey, buddy, looks like you don’t need any help!”

But nobody so much as nodded at his actual penis, which anyway wasn’t all the way hard, what with all the bright lights and people standing around.

He didn’t even get a porn star name. Not that he cared. He just thought it was automatic. But, when he asked, the boss man first said he didn’t need one, then said, “OK, you can be Brian.” But he was Brian already. He’d been Brian all his life. Anyway, on screen, Kyla called him “Bill”. It didn’t matter.

He’d fucked Kyla Timberlake!

Except that, you’ve got to figure, with a twenty inch dong, which was also hugely thick around, Kyla Timberlake was always nearly a foot and a half away. Factor in the world class enormity of her silicon tits and – it was remarkably difficult to get anywhere near Kyla Timberlake.

He didn’t get close to her until she was long gone and he was at the bar, buying beers and shots for everyone. Then she was really in his arms.

Brian told the story all night long. He declared his undying love for Kyla Timberlake. The guys were all jealous. Even the girls were impressed. He didn’t tell anyone about the twenty inch plastic dong. When he needed to piss he went into a stall.

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