MONTREAL MUNICIPAL SEX LAW: Explanation for Visitors

Visitors to Montreal, bewildered by the vision of so many perfect men, may be overwhelmed by feelings of personal inadequacy. To be just ordinary, just average, may seem a cause for shame. Fortunately this is needless. For it is with this heartache in mind—and the corresponding bitterness, resentment and loss of tourist income—that municipal laws have been enacted which require city residents to have sex every day.

Frequency is dictated according to age and attractiveness. A man of seventy, dapper in his neat white suit and straw hat, is only required to have sex once. Whereas a twenty four year old with washboard abs, puppy eyes and three days growth of beard is required to have sex at least six times. Six times! It is sobering to consider what a strenuous sacrifice the citizens of Montreal have made in order for the city to be as thriving, popular and well-loved as it is today.

The core of this is that, with such tremendous quotas and requirements, even the plainest looking tourist is bound to get swept in occasionally.

Therefore, do not be surprised if you find yourself being offered sex by someone more beautiful than you would be eligible for in any other city on Earth. Do not be bashful or apologetic. That ridiculously gorgeous man is simply attempting to follow municipal law. As a responsible visitor, you should also respect the law.

It is common that residents find themselves, at nearly midnight, still short of their quota. They may call on you to help. You should do so, if humanly possible.

Residents who fail to meet their quota are fined. Habitual offenders must attend classes where they are made to watch porno and consume oysters.

The recent strength of the Canadian dollar—and the corresponding drop in tourism—has meant residents must look even further a field in order to discharge their duty. Tourists may very well be overwhelmed by appeals for help.

Some predictable questions and doubts:

Unlike the laws against public nudity and marijuana smoking, these laws are actually enforced. Violators will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, etc.

Married couples who wish to remain monogamous may be granted a waiver for religious reasons. It must be admitted that these people are generally looked down upon and may face discrimination in the workplace.

Why are tourists so popular? After all, residents could fulfill their quota by having sex with each other—and leave the rest of the world bereft of inspiration. The answer is simple. When calculating one’s quota, tourists are worth 33.33% more. Fucking tourists is more efficient. Also, residents who welcome visitors receive coupons from the Chamber of Commerce redeemable for exotic underpants, Belle Guelle pilsner and marijuana, all of which are very expensive and highly prized in this area.

Many visitors, entranced by the city’s warm welcome, wish to remain in Montreal for the rest of their lives. Prospective residents must ask themselves if they are up to the demands of the city’s hustle and bustle. Are you willing to have sex every day?

Other visitors may be disgusted—or simply exhausted. They may choose a city where sex is frowned-upon or banned outright. It is unnecessary to name such places. They are legion.