Two major news events came to dominate the year 2009. In the first, news long-suspected was verified at last: classified government documents revealed that 87.5% of the populace was made-up. Not made-up of something, just made-up. Remarkably life-like phony stand-ins created by congressmen seeking to increase their percentage of federal tax dollars.
These so-called people—incapable of actual feeling—served primarily to charge up massive credit card bills, win sweepstakes, and answer telephone polls.
(Some trivia: by luck or design, the populace of Delaware turned out to be overwhelmingly real. Ditto Wyoming. Connecticut, on the other hand, was found to be only 6.2% real.)
The outcry was immediate, passionate: These so-called people are taking our jobs! They’re taking up space on the trains and the roads! They’re polluting the air! Heedless creation is genocide-in-reverse! These fake people must be deflated at once!
The fake people, for their part, insisted they were just as real as anyone else—felt pain, felt joy etc. At times their pleas were quite convincing. We took care however, not to believe them.
The outrage created by the first report was nothing compared to the fury that greeted the second.
We apologize profusely for any inconvenience, came the news. It comes as a shock, even to us and indeed we’re ashamed to admit it:
(You might want to sit down to read this.)
Everyone’s real.
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