Special Promotion

As a special incentive to passengers, travel on the Delhi Metro now includes the opportunity to be groped by a uniformed member of the Indian army. Personally, I find myself exploring the city as never before. I say “opportunity” but in fact it is a “requirement”, after passing through a metal detector (to ensure you have no weapons which might involuntarily discharge during the groping process) to step onto a small platform, upon which you will be touched, both tenderly and comprehensively. This so-called requirement is in fact a courtesy, so that no one need be embarrassed by how ravenously they yearn to be touched -- and especially by a uniformed member of the Indian Army!

It should be noted that the price of a ticket entitles the passenger to be groped only once per journey. If, for example, after receiving the caresses to which your ticket entitles you, you act as if you’ve forgotten something, exit back through the metal detector, pretend to study the map and then present yourself, all smiles, again – the attention you receive will be entirely perfunctory and unsatisfying.

Considering the evident success of this promotion – the trains are packed at nearly every hour of the day -- it can only be hoped that the Delhi Municipal Transit Corporation will further expand the promotion, and give us all even more reason to travel. How nice it would be to receive, for example, after groping, a big hug. Oh, to feel oneself held in the capable ever-ready arms of the Indian Army! For that matter, why not a small kiss? Or even a lingering one. . .

The official stated reason for this promotion is: terrorism. And it is certainly true that, after traumatic events, we find ourselves, more than ever, in need of simple human affection. What better way to re-establish well-being than through warm and intimate touch? In my opinion, monetary concerns may also be at the forefront, but, then again, I admit I do not particularly care, as long as I myself am receiving attention which is first-rate and professional, from someone in a uniform.

Objections are bound to arise. Considering that, currently, men are groped by men, and women by women, the system appears to be egregiously biased in favor of those seeking same-sex encounters. It may be, however, that other requests will be honored. I myself have not tried.