Friday, January 06, 2017



. . . certainly I said I do want to get rich but I never want to do what there is to do to get rich.
-- Gertrude Stein, 
Everybody’s Autobiography

Having carefully observed the lives of my successful, responsible, well-to-do friends, I have determined that the very most sensible thing for me to do -- I mean, amongst those things that I can actually manage -- is to apply for a position as one of their pets.  Naturally, I’d prefer to succeed as an artist, but people don’t love artists that much.  Not like they love their Labradoodle.  This became clear to me one day while speaking to a friend who seemed to me a standard member of the struggling middle-class, when I heard her tally her monthly budget and realized that the expenses of her elderly collie far exceeded my own.  (Another great thing about me is I can take myself for walks!)  It is true that I’m not so cute anymore and not reliably agreeable but -- think of how many people cherish nasty cats!  Although I recognize there are arenas wherein I cannot compete with a Golden Retriever, I hope to make up for what I lack in adorability with oral sex and copy-editing.  Also, one more time, please keep in mind: I am cheaper.

     To friends who might seek to help me, thanks but no thanks.  The point is not pride (which is famously negotiable) as it is the simple fact that right now I am only mildly to moderately desperate.  I humbly request that you take firm hold of your goodwill, wrap it in plastic or put it in a security envelope and stow it someplace safe, preferably fireproof, as it seems certain that I will be having need of it later.  For this you have, as ever, my everlasting thanks.  Many deep bows.
     Respectfully yrs., etc.

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