from AN ADVANCED COURSE IN BEING LOST
I dreamt I was instructing: here are rituals around the world, these are the necessary tools. Most required extensive supplies: salt and eagle feathers, turmeric and candles, chalk dust and sage, marigolds and sandalwood, blood and mushrooms, liquor and skulls. Then I explained that, for the rituals of my people, you needed only one thing: sugar. Granulated crystallized plain white sugar. That’s all you ever needed, just pile after pile of white sugar. Table sugar. It’s so convenient! I told the class, even as I thought to myself, It’s really kind of sad.
The angel ordered an entire marlin, with fries, rice, salad, salsa mexicana, tortillas -- and while waiting we went for a swim, still holding our beers. When the angel’s bottle was empty he dunked it, let it fill with seawater, and explained that, perdon, por favor, if I was going to meet his family then I had to be at least slightly Catholic. Inside myself I looked around and was astonished to discover I’d never been Catholic. I’d been so many things! I revered Teresa, Julian, Hildegard -- did that count? No, I had to be baptized. He taught me to cross myself. (The short version; the long was beyond me.) The angel held his Corona above my head and slowly poured it over me, blessed me in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, filled out all the necessary invisible paperwork in triplicate and mailed it in, and announced that I was now Catholic, very slightly. The angel’s furry mouth met mine. The marlin had arrived. Baptism lunch! said the angel and led me from the waves to the table.
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-- this bag of Doritos
I dreamt I was instructing: here are rituals around the world, these are the necessary tools. Most required extensive supplies: salt and eagle feathers, turmeric and candles, chalk dust and sage, marigolds and sandalwood, blood and mushrooms, liquor and skulls. Then I explained that, for the rituals of my people, you needed only one thing: sugar. Granulated crystallized plain white sugar. That’s all you ever needed, just pile after pile of white sugar. Table sugar. It’s so convenient! I told the class, even as I thought to myself, It’s really kind of sad.
The angel ordered an entire marlin, with fries, rice, salad, salsa mexicana, tortillas -- and while waiting we went for a swim, still holding our beers. When the angel’s bottle was empty he dunked it, let it fill with seawater, and explained that, perdon, por favor, if I was going to meet his family then I had to be at least slightly Catholic. Inside myself I looked around and was astonished to discover I’d never been Catholic. I’d been so many things! I revered Teresa, Julian, Hildegard -- did that count? No, I had to be baptized. He taught me to cross myself. (The short version; the long was beyond me.) The angel held his Corona above my head and slowly poured it over me, blessed me in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, filled out all the necessary invisible paperwork in triplicate and mailed it in, and announced that I was now Catholic, very slightly. The angel’s furry mouth met mine. The marlin had arrived. Baptism lunch! said the angel and led me from the waves to the table.
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