The Life and Adventures of Randy Mesmer

GOOD-FOR-NOTHING


Growing up, Randy Mesmer had a good-for-nothing young uncle who lived on the couch. Uncle Ian was entirely agreeable and also entirely useless. He was not interested in being someone or getting on in the world.

As such, of course, he was continually criticized. And at the same time no one much minded him. Everyone felt so much better about themselves. “At least I am making an effort!” they exclaimed.

Randy Mesmer disapproved of Uncle Ian--and lived in awe of him. Randy Mesmer wanted terribly to be handsome and smart and athletic, to be correct and moral and spiritual. Randy Mesmer wanted to be A Better Person.

At age 3 he wanted this. And by the age of 10 he’d already figured out he was going to fail.

Uncle Ian was the product of Grandma Preston’s late life affair with a good-for-nothing. What had she seen in him?

Uncle Ian spent his life in boxer shorts. His large penis was forever poking out, along with his low-hanging balls, which he shifted frequently from one side to the other with as much self-consciousness as a dog. He could be real good looking, Uncle Ian, if he’d just fix himself up.

Uncle Ian didn't care about that. He took it easy.

Taking it easy is like rolling your tongue. Some people don't even have to think about it. For other folks it's completely impossible.

Randy Mesmer tried to take it easy. He made a concerted effort. He spent several afternoons on the coach next to Uncle Ian playing Asteroids. He tasted beer. He practiced shrugging and saying 'Fuck'.

Randy Mesmer marveled at his Uncle Ian’s reckless courage. How was it he dared play video games, dared channel surf? All while the sands of life slipped unceasingly away!

It was no use. Randy Mesmer was doomed to self-improvement.