The Life and Adventures of Randy Mesmer

HOSE.

Randy Mesmer believed he could win a wet underwear contest entirely through the power of positive thinking.

“I’m sexy!” he said out loud to the mirror in the toilet of the Midtowne Spa. “I’m totally hot! I’m a first-class bit of masculine meat! Fuck,yeah!”

Standing on the fenced-in patio at the baths, the contestants in tight white underpants awaited their turn with the hose. The winning contestant would be determined by the strength of applause.

Randy Mesmer was not handsome and he knew it. His idea of Heaven: to be so beautiful you never had to talk.

Then again, beauty was an awful lot of work. So he wished he had a preposterously large penis. Amazing how an extra large uncut penis trumped all other attributes. Those men, the stars of the baths, didn’t have to do anything. Their personalities often became entirely vestigial.

The water from the house was ice cold. Randy Mesmer felt his positive thinking go limp and retreat.

No one clapped for Randy Mesmer. Then, way in back, one drunk guy started to whoop and holler and clap for all he was worth.

“Woo—hoo!”